Crafting Communities that Deal with Shame

I spoke a little while ago at Martock Christian Fellowship in Somerset on the story of Jesus meeting the woman at the well in John chapter 4.

Shame is something we all have to deal with at some point, and is something often so prevalent in our church communities. Jesus’ interaction with the Samaritan woman at the well has a lot to teach us about supporting people with shame and creating communities where they can be supported.

If that interests you, have a listen to my sermon here. Note: the website lists the sermon as on John chapter 1, but it is mistaken.

The God We Encounter in Darkness

On 2 June 2019 I was given the opportunity to preach and share with Barton Baptist Church in Torquay. Although I am familiar with Torbay, I had never been to Barton before. They were really welcoming and I loved being with them!

Take a few minutes to listen to what I had to share with them.

Listen here.

In the week leading up to this God had laid the story of Moses walking up into the thick darkness to meet with God in Exodus 20 on my heart for the church. Using Moses’ reflections on this event in Deuteronomy 4, I talked about God’s formlessness in the dark seasons of life, his availability to be wrestled with and encountered, and how we must be careful with our reactions to these experiences.

As you listen to this and reflect on the times you have encountered our God in formless ways and dark times, may hope rise in you for your current season of darkness and the presence of God with you.

Resource: Kintsugi Hope Groups

Kintsugi Hope, a charity founded by Diane & Patrick Regan (founders of XLP) has just launched a brand new resource aimed at helping individuals launch peer support groups that are safe places for those who are struggling with their mental health.

This is how the groups are described on Kintsugi Hope’s website:

“A Kintsugi Hope Group is a safe and supportive space for people who feel or have felt overwhelmed, providing tools for self-management in a facilitated peer mentoring style setting.

It consists of a structured yet flexible series of 12 weeks of content, which includes group and individual activities designed to help participants to accept themselves, to understand their value and worth, and grow towards a more resilient and hopeful future.”

Here is Patrick Regan explaining the heart behind these groups:

So take a moment to have a look. Maybe you could get all your house groups to go through this course, and then commission each house group to go and start another one somewhere in their neighbourhood. You could do it with parents while their kids are at the weekly kids club. Or you could be brave, and ask a local coffee shop if you can use a few of their tables to help people from all walks of life begin to support each other.

The western church is plagued by this mentality of professionals only, and it really feeds a “scarcity” outlook on life. This is a great resource to start swimming against the current, and equip everyone in our churches to begin to make a difference in the lives of those who are struggling.

Book Review: “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog”

I recently finished listening to Bruce D. Perry’s, “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog: and other stories from a child psychiatrist’s notebook: what traumatised children can teach us about loss, love and healing” during my solo car journeys and short morning runs.

Straight away, I need you to know that this is an incredibly powerful book. It chronicles Dr. Perry’s journey in understanding how trauma impacts children, learning how to make a difference in those who have undergone trauma, and sharing the stories that helped him with both of those things.

If you have a history of trauma yourself, this will not be an easy read. The stories are told with vivid details and the impact of those traumas will have a familiarity that may be difficult to deal with. However, if like me you have a passion to support those whose lives have been ravaged by trauma, the insights throughout this book are priceless and worth the cost of entry.

As I believe this book is a “must read”, I’m not going to give it all away here. There are three stand out things that I learned from the book that I want to share with you though:

1. Retelling a traumatic event is only therapeutic if the person who was traumatised is in complete control of that retelling. Otherwise, it is just more trauma.

Over the years I have referred a number of people to counselling agencies to help them get more support with their PTSD. A lot of these individuals often found themselves worse off after a few weeks of counselling, even after a few months of counselling, than they were when they started. I now believe this is largely due to this point.

Dr. Perry shares how he would often meet with a new client every week for months before the client would share about the traumatic event that led to them needing help. Week after week would go by in silent colouring or even just sitting in a room together, waiting for the client to decide when and what they would like to share. And when they did decide to share, because they were then in control of when, how much, and the point that they chose to stop sharing – it brought forward important healing.

Because time is precious, and we know talking about what happened is an important part of the healing process, we often gently push people into sharing their experiences. “Tell me what happened” gets expressed in a hundred different ways, but it never leads to that healing if we are the ones who initiate it and have control over it. Next time you are in that position, try to be more patient and wait for the person you are supporting to take the lead.

2. In addition to our stress arousal response system, we have an equal but different response to stress called dissociation.

I hope by this stage we are all familiar with our stress arousal response system that triggers our brain to fight, run away, or freeze in times of danger. The purpose of this system within our brains is to PREVENT us being hurt in a time of threat. Like me I am sure you see this response in individuals a lot, especially through angry outbursts and intense panic attacks.

However, sometimes our brains interpret the threat we are facing as being inescapable. In other words, our brains work out that no amount of fighting, running away, or freezing is going to stop us from being hurt. So, our brains enter a dissociative state in order to SURVIVE the threat that we are facing. This dissociation is a disconnecting from reality, and particularly your body, as if you are no longer in it. Your heart rate will drop massively, your breathing will slow, opioids will be released deafening your body to pain, the hippocampus stops recording memories, and the brain prepares to survive whatever is coming.

Perhaps someone you support has experienced this survival mechanism. It is common amongst young children who suffered abuse, and is more common in females than males. Just as our brains can develop a hypersensitivity to the arousal system, we can become hypersensitive to the dissociative system as well. Some PTSD sufferers who use self-harm to cope will be manually putting themselves into this dissociative state, even if they don’t realise it, to try and survive the stresses that now feel inescapable; because it helped them survive when the threat really was inescapable.

3. The most powerful tool of both prevention and healing when it comes to trauma, is a community of healthy relationships.

One of the stories in this incredible book that I found most emotionally moving was of a little boy whose class of fellow six year olds became a powerful therapeutic community because Dr. Perry took the time to explain to them why the boy’s brain was different to theirs and how they can help him develop it.

Relationships are so important, especially at the beginning. The more time a new born baby is given healthy attachments and care at the start of its life, the more likely it will be able to recover from whatever trauma awaits it around the corner. A child, or adult, in a healthy community of relationships to adults and peers is much less likely to experience PTSD after a traumatic experience. A child, or adult, in a healthy community of relationships to adults and peers is much more likely to recover from trauma and develop their brain to a state of high integration.

In a society of family break-down, gentrification, the loss of communal gathering points, and increasing isolation – is it any surprise why so many young people are struggling more and more with the impacts of trauma? I believe that this is part of why God’s vision for church is so important, now more than ever. We need these communal spaces of safety (no judgment), where we are seen (accepted and valued) and soothed (treated with compassion and empathy). There is no where in our communities other than church that could possibly offer this on the scale and degree of diversity needed. We need the church more than we ever have.

Thank you for reading this far, I hope you support Dr. Perry’s great work by purchasing a copy of this book and learning what you can from the masterclass in trauma therapy that sits inside these incredible stories.

Recent Feedback – Mental Health Training for SWYM’s The Academy Students

Over the course of Monday 29th April 2019 and Tuesday 30th April 2019 I led a total of 8 hours of training for The Academy students at South West Youth Ministries in mental health. This included:

  • An hour about emotions, what their purpose is, learning to recognise them, and raising emotional literacy amongst children and young people. Creating glitter calm jars to support young people in intense emotional states.
  • An hour on childhood development, the different roles of different parts of the brain, and helping children integrate the parts of their brains.
  • An hour on adolescent development, supporting young people through the challenges those changes bring, and embracing the opportunities those changes bring.
  • An hour on positive mental health and how we can be more proactive in helping young people identify their strengths and apply them to both the good and bad seasons of life.
  • An hour on the impact of trauma in childhood, how it alters development, supporting children and young people that are in hyperarousal or dissociative states, and the importance in healthy relationships to mitigate and/or recover from traumatic experiences.
  • An hour on crisis support, looking at all the major mental illnesses and how to support children and young people struggling with them. Creating weighted pillows with mermaid sequins to provide anxiety relief and sensory distraction.
  • An hour on the theology of sexuality, creating spaces in our youth groups that are empathic and compassionate towards those struggling in this area, and improving our cultures of friendship.
  • An hour set aside to provide one to one time with each of the trainees to discuss anything that came up for them personally over the sessions, or any further questions they might have.

There were three students on this course, all engaged in youth work in schools, churches, and projects in different parts of Devon. I asked them each to fill out a feedback from about the training I provided. In four different areas they ranked me from 1 (awful) to 6 (excellent). Here are the average scores from their reviews:

  • Session Content – 5.66
  • Session Delivery – 5.33
  • Interaction Level – 5
  • Use of Media – 6

Here are a few quotes from the students:

“It was amazing to learn about trauma and the effect on the brain.”

“Learned so many great theories that I can practically apply to my current work place / context.”

“I learned a lot about development, different mental health conditions and ways to help young people.”

Resource: Trauma Informed Churches

I recently came across Betsy de Thierry and a project she has set up called “Trauma Informed Churches”.

The mission of “Trauma Informed Churches” is to equip churches to enable traumatised children to feel safe and be understood in churches. We seek to inform, educate and equip churches as they support families with traumatised children.

On their website you can find resources helping you understand what trauma is and how it impacts children, strategies for supporting children who have been through traumatic experiences, and ideas to help your church be more proactive in being a helpful place for those who have been through trauma.

Betsy de Thierry herself is also available to train those working with children in your churches, and/or provide consultation to your churches on improving your system and creating safe spaces. You can find out about that here.

Hope it helps!

Exchanging Gardeners for Holy Moments

I had the immense privilege of preaching at Christ Church Woodbury on Easter Sunday (21 April 2019). Why not grab a cup of tea, find a quiet corner, and have a listen?

Listen here

God had laid on my heart a message centred around holiness, understanding what it is, seeing it around us, creating space for the holiness of resurrection, and sharing those moments with others.

My prayer is that as you listen it creates a holy moment for you.